


If I could turn back time

by Pinxku



Series: Alexander angst and more [9]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander is still loyal, Character Death, George Washington is a Dad, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt Alexander Hamilton, Kidnapping, Mild description of torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prompt Fic, Regret, Sad, Sad Ending, Things go bad, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Torture, i can't tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22074760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinxku/pseuds/Pinxku
Summary: Washington under anger and stress and says things he does not mean.Now Alexander was gone.And it was all his fault.Things go down hill.What he would give to see his son again.
Series: Alexander angst and more [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552390
Comments: 47
Kudos: 174





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CottonCandyWhump](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CottonCandyWhump/gifts).



> Prompt by demonwithsideoffries  
> "Hi, there! Could you by any chance write something where Washington gets really pissed at Alex and yells at him/insults him and the next day Alex is missing?"
> 
> Now with an alternate ending

It was funny what grief could do to a person. It could motivate them to do better or it could destroy them, drive them to insanity.

Now General George Washington was not sure where it took him. Part of him is motivated the other one is destroyed.

In front of his own men, he plays his part. He is prideful and brave and drives them to move on. To win this war Alex had- no stop- To win this war **_they_** have been fighting for so long now. Because War doesn't end with one man dead. Not when the seed of an idea has been planted. When one falls another takes its place.

But in private in his own tent alone. With a bottle of whiskey that has been touched more often lately and a seashell necklace. He silently cries. His walls come down because it's not supposed to be silent. He is not supposed to be alone. Alexander should be sitting by the desk writing like he was running out of time. Talking to the general. Begging for his own command. 

But he is not.

He is not and it's all his fault.

Had the General been better. Had he kept his temper like he was supposed to as the leader. Had Alexander not gotten into that fight. Had Washington been more level headed. Maybe Alexander still would be here. Right next to him where he belongs.

But he was not.

Because the General had not been better. He had not kept his own temper in front of Alexander. Alexander had gotten in that stupid childish fight and Washington under all the stress and responsibility had not been level headed. And now he is here. Alone. And he regrets it. He regrets it so much it hurts. 

He would give anything to just to see Alexander again. Smiling. Talking. Writing. Alive.

But he is not.

Tears swell up again in his eyes and roll down his cheeks as he takes another swing. It's all his fault.

-ω-

A month ago

Washington was livid. He was ragging Alexander by the arm to his tent. The grip was bruising but Alexander didn't complain. His nose was bleeding and a black eye was forming, his lip split.

Another stupid fight Alexander had gotten in. Another stupid way to aggravate their allies. ANOTHER stupid way to help them lose.

The anger was building. His veins felt like they were on fire. He practically throws Alexander in his tent. It wasn't the first time Alexander has gotten into a fight. It wasn't the first time Washington has gotten mad at Alexander over things like this. But with the idiocy of the congress pressuring him for some success and their lack of everything the General was on the edge of his temper and patience.

"What in the ever-loving God were you thinking? We do not need any more fights, this war is already so difficult without you making it worse!"

"Sir! Parkerson was saying such crap that he needed to be put down a peg!"

"THEN YOU COME TO ME ABOUT IT AND I'LL HANDLE IT!" Washington roared. "I do not know nor care what he sais. You need to learn not to open your mouth all the time and picking up fights like a child! We are at war I need soldiers, not toddlers. People are going to say things you don't like but you can't hit them every time!"

"I know that sir but-"

"SHUT UP Alexander you have talked ENOUGH!" Alexander did not step back at this but he was clearly wearier now.

"You know what get out of my tent right now! Just leave!" he ground out and turned his back on Alexander. 

Alexander hesitated for a moment but then turned around to leave. He was almost out when Washington mumbled in his anger, thinking Alexander was already gone, the words that would haunt him forever.

"Bastard, orphan whose father left. No wonder why. Just more trouble than worth..." Alexander breathing had hitched and he left quickly after that.

  
Washington had turned after he heard the hitch. Just seeing Alexander flee. He should have gone after him. He should have apologized. But he didn't. He let him run away to cool off thinking about apologizing later. Little did he know that later would never come.

By the time Washington had cooled off and left to search for his boy to apologize, he found Alexander's tent empty. By the time he realized what has happened Alexander was long gone from the camp. By the time he realized something was wrong the boy's bloodied body was being dragged away. By the time they found the blood trail and Alexander's shell necklace and his gun Alexander was long gone from their reach.

-ω-

Alexander ran. He ran to the forest suppressing tears. He didn't hear Burr shouting after him. He ran. He ran until he collapsed to the ground.

How could Washington say that? After everything? Sure Alexander had screwed up but was that really necessary? Alex doesn't tell about his parents. Not many knew about his father and Alexander had told Washington about it. And Washington had used it against him. It just proves you can't trust people. You can't confine in them. You just can't get attached. He had been stupid to think that maybe someone would care. He shouldn't have let Washington in. He was an idiot for making such a mistake. Should have stick to work. Work was trustworthy. It wouldn't hurt him.

He doesn't realize it. Under all his pain that he is being surrounded. He only realizes it when he hears a snap of a stick. He turns around but before he gets very far a shot goes off. His side feels like it's on fire. He takes his gun out fires it but there are too many. Maybe 5 against 1. He wouldn't give up. His side burns but he wrestles when one of them jumps to take his gun. He doesn't stand a chance. His gun drops to the ground as he swings wildly. Desperate to get out. Hands are being wrapped around his neck. He scratches them trying to get them off. Something snaps against his neck. He can't breathe. He can't- a sharp blow against his temple and everything goes dark.

-ω-

A month has gone by but Washington doesn't stop searching. A month has gone by and nothing but he will find his boy. He will apologize beg for forgiveness anything. He will not believe his boy is gone. He could not.

Every day he hears nothing about Alexander's whereabouts. Every day he hears the cursed words he threw at the boy. The last word the boy heard from him. Maybe the last words he ever heard.

Why, why had he said that? Alexander had trusted him to tell him about his father and he threw it right back at his face.

"Sir" Burr has stepped up to him. Burr who saw Alexander run away. Burr who has not stopped to search for his friend. 

"Yes, what is it?"

"We got a tip we might have found him"

"Who?" Washington didn't dare to hope.

"Alexander"

-ω-

Alexander didn't know how long it has been. All he knows are hard stone walls and metallic chains around his wrists. The darkness in his small jail cell and clawing hunger in him. The maddening silence only was broken by his labored breathing and the question that gets asked every day.

"What is Washington's next move who are the spies inside the castle? Tell us and it will stop hurting. Nobody is coming for you just give in. What is Washington's next move? Who are the spied inside the castle? "

But Alexander won't tell. He honestly can't even remember anything outside of his cell. Everything is blurry and fuzzy and painful. He wants it to end. But he knows he can't give in. Even though nobody is coming. Because one thing he knows is Washington doesn't care. He hates him.

They come in every day. They beat him and ask him the question. More pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Every. single. day.

They like waterboarding him. He hates water always has. No, he fears it. A drop is enough.

He knows his wound is infected. They know it probably too. Fever is climbing. He wants it to kill him. He knows he will never talk. But the silence is too much. The pain is too much. The hunger is too much. It's all just too much _too much_ _**TOO MUCH**_.

He screams. Nobody comes. He is too tired to care. To cry. Just let him die, please. He embraces the darkness that takes him.   
"Please..."

-ω-

They burst into the building. There are not many soldiers. The ones that are there get gunned down instantly. Washington doesn't care. He just wants his son back.

There is a metal door in the back of the building. It takes forever to get in but once they do... There. There he was Alexander.

Washington's heart stops. Alexander was slumbered against the wall. His hands chained. His body bloodied bruised and broken. Blood smeared his lips his hands his whole body.

Washington moves slowly to him. Kneeling down. Whispering silently.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. Just be alive"

He puts his hand on the boy's neck. Feeling for a pulse. Burr is there now. Kneeling next to him. Eyes scanning frantically his friend. 

His fingers are on his son's neck. 

Nothing. 

His chest.

Nothing.

His face.

Nothing.

Washington lets out a broken sob as he gathers his son into his arms. They were too late. His boy was gone.  
.   
.   
. 

And it was his fault. 


	2. Ending 2

They burst into the building. There are not many soldiers. The ones that are there get gunned down instantly. Washington doesn't care. He just wants his son back.

There is a metal door in the back of the building. It takes forever to get in but once they do... There. There he was Alexander.

Washington's heart stops. Alexander was slumbered against the wall. His hands chained. His body bloodied bruised and broken. Blood smeared his lips his hands his whole body.

Washington moves slowly to him. Kneeling down. Whispering silently.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. Just be alive"

He puts his hand on the boy's neck. Feeling for a pulse. Burr is there now. Kneeling next to him. Eyes scanning frantically his friend. 

His fingers are on his son's neck. 

Nothing. 

His chest.

Nothing.

His face.

Nothing.

Washington lets out a broken sob as he gathers his son into his arms. They were too late. His boy was gone.

.

.

.

And it was his fault.

-ω-

Burr hangs his head in disbelief. It couldn't be! This was Hamilton. The man doesn't seem to die no matter what. There was no way... maybe if Aaron had run after him. Or...

Burr was startled out of his thoughts by the sudden gasp by the General who had been hugging Alexanders broken ~~Dead~~ body against his chest. The man was looking down at Alexander with hope.

"Alexander?" Burr looks at the man in worry. He opens his mouth to tell him the truth in case the man was forgetting the Alex was gone but the man just shakes his head tears still in is eyes. He puts his hand on Alexnder's chest and waits. Could it be? "Please please" There! A small fragile heartbeat he had felt moments ago.

"Oh my god... MEDIC! WE NEED A MEDIC!" He shouts suddenly. Burr was frozen in hope. A medic arrived quickly checking Alexander over.

The next moments are a blur. Alexander is being hurriedly carried away in Washington's arms the man refusing to let his son go. They rode as fast as they could to their closest camp Alexander was quickly taken into the medical tent. They prodded and poked and stitched him trying to put the broken man back together Washington by his side the whole time.

The boy had several broken ribs and bones, an infected gunshot wound and pneumonia due to the waterboarding.

After several hours Alexander was brought to Washingtons living quarters. Washington sat next to the bed and took Alexanders small hand carefully in his and first time in forever he prayed.

-ω-

**1 week**

Days go by in which Alexander drifts in and out of consciousness. He is never lucid enough to talk. His eyes always travel around the room and then land on Washington who never leaves his side. He always frowns when he sees him then he drifts asleep. Burr visits everyday reports about what was happening in the camp and sits with them for an hour or two before he leaves.

-ω-

**12 Days**

"Sir...?" A raspy voice jolts Washington from the restless sleep he had managed to fall in,

"Alexander..."

They just stare at each other for a moment. Washington broke first he carefully hugged Alexander which was hard because Alexander was laying down.

"I was so worried. I'm so sorry, oh my-" He was babbling very unlike himself but he was just so relieved.

"I didn't talk..." He murmurs sleepily

"I know. You did good son" Washington smiles at him.

"You... found...me."

"We did. Just in time son"

"You came for...me?"

"Of course, Alexander- I- What I said before you went missing- I didn't mean it- I was angry, it's no excuse but I'm so sorry Alexander"

Alexander just stares and frowns. Everything was fuzzy and painful. It took forever just to understand what has been said.

Washington found him. He came for him. Washington was sorry.

"You... don't... hate me?"

Washington frowns down at him. Why would he hate Alexander?

"No of course not"

Alexander nods at this. His eyes close and he falls back asleep. Washington just smiles. There would be problems in the future he knew that but at least Alexander was finally awake. Now just to figure out how much Alexander was still in him and how much was left to that cold cell. But that would be a future problem.

-ω-

**4 weeks later**

Time passed and Alexander was let out to move. His physical injuries were healing nicely and Washington who had become an extreme mother hen kept him close all the time.

The mental injuries surfaced every night with nightmares and the dull mask he wears now. He now shares a room with the General. Washington is always there when he wakes up screaming.

The worst display of the trauma showed the first time it rained. The moment a drop of water hit Alexanders face his eyes went glassy and his breathing quickened. Washington was at his side calming him down. He hugged Alexander close to his chest as the young man struggled and mumbled. He held him and talked to him, told him to breathe and how he was safe until Alexander slumbered in exhaustion and snuggled close.

-ω-

**6 Weeks later**

Alexander has returned to work. He works and works and works. He still does flawless work. It becomes clear Alexander was distracting himself from the horrors of his time captured. Washington sometimes catches him staring emptily to space. He wonders if he should send the boy home. The idea of the boy away from him makes him anxious.

He is later informed by Burr that Alexander doesn't have a home outside of war. He curses silently for forgetting Elizabeth's and Alexanders break up just before the capturing.

-ω-

**2 Months Later**

Alexander has finally started to be able to take showers without just cleaning with a towel if the water doesn't hit his face. Washington counts this as a win. He still stays away from the rain.

-ω-

**3 Months Later**

Alexander finally breaks down in their room when he spills ink. He cries out his pain and Washington is there. They sit on the floor and Alexander cries. The mask cracks.

-ω-

**4 Months Later**

The nightmares become less frequent. They are still there but not every night. Alexander is getting his energetic personality back.

-ω-

**6 Months Later**

Washington finds Alexander standing in rain.

-ω-

**Year Later**

Alexander still has nightmares sometimes. He is mostly back to his old self. He doesn't like water but won't break down either when he comes to contact.

Washington smiles when he watches Alexander talk with Burr. They had become close to each other. Alexander will never be the same but he will do great things and Washington will be there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Jaylynn Bower
> 
> Happy Birthday!

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Oh boy. I went so long keeping him alive. Haha, what a nice start of the year. Oh, dear...
> 
> This was so angsty I didn't mean to kill him but It was just so perfect. Hope you liked it!
> 
> Please leave a comment on what you thought and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Send me prompts in Tumblr: Pinxku22


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